Alexander Francis Walk - A Memoir

This is a blog post detailing the account of our Second Child, Alex, whom we miscarried and now have a VERY special connection with... 
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Shortly after our little boy Josiah turned one year old (May 2007)... we were already eager to continue to grow our family. We conceived our 2nd child quickly and easily (as for us, is usual) and were very excited! I experienced none of the symptoms I did with Josiah...no morning sickness, my energy was fine... I was curious why, but was reassured that sometimes "the second one is just much easier". I didn't think much of it. Around the time we thought I'd be about 8 weeks, we went in for our first sonogram. They found the baby measuring at 6 wks 5 days, and couldn't quite get a heartbeat. They asked us to come back in 2 weeks and it would be easier, so we scheduled for 3 weeks just in case. I was a little worried, but still had hope and trusted it would be ok. When we went back 3 weeks later... the baby was STILL measuring 6 wks 5 days. Although I was now at the 9 week pregnant mark. The doctor told us we were likely miscarrying, and as we left (Michael and I, with Josiah in tow) were devastated. Michael held it together, but I started crying right in the office elevator, where I'm sure strangers were wondering about that. I cried off and on the whole way home, and immediately told Michael "we need to name him." We chose the name "Alex" because it could be Alexander, or Alexandra. Middle name Francis, because that could be Francis (male) or Frances (female). We immediately began mourning our loss of this baby. Not a half hour after my sonogram and upon our return home, I started bleeding. Not sure why it took until 9 weeks, but my body was finally letting go...

It hit me harder at first than it did Michael, but he also soon realized all that we had "lost" and took time to grieve as well. He stayed home from work a few days as I physically went through the process of miscarrying. When I had passed what seemed like, "the baby" I was as wreck and Michael took a baby food jar, placed "him" in there, and we baptized him (mostly for our sake and dedicated him as the Lord's, of course) and we then buried him outside under a newly planted dogwood tree, which my parents got us to remember him by. 

The next day (or so?) I just thought about him and moved in "zombie mode". I took time to create a tiny memorial service, which was just Michael, myself, and both of my parents. We waited until Josiah was asleep one night, went out by the dogwood tree, and said these prayers and words. That was it, it wasn't much, but it was something, to acknowledge this life existed. 

** Heavenly Visions **

Shortly after we miscarried, or while I was even still in the process, my best friend Jess was praying for us. We had been planning a trip to their house that weekend, to ask them to be our new baby's godparents, when all that was cancelled for our trip to the hospital. She told me, hesitantly, (maybe not sure if I'd think she was crazy? ;) about how when she was praying the Rosary, she was meditating on the mystery of Jesus being found in the temple as a young boy. She said she had a "vision" of Alex ... in heaven, he was at what looked like a desk, in a white robe with a gold rope, and he looked "JUST like Josiah... only a little older"  She said he seemed to be saying something similar to those wise words of Christ when he was just a boy, found in the temple... "why are you sad? Do you know know that I'm with my Father?" 

This first vision comforted me tremendously. I knew that our baby was with Jesus, but now I knew that he was a boy, (as I suspected!) and that had sort of a, confirmation, that he was in fact there, and everything was ok. 

This of course did not change my feelings of loss or grief over not getting to hold, see, smell, kiss, my new baby... but I knew that he was with God, and that alone was comforting. 

*** Second Vision ***

Just after the little "memorial service" we held for Alex... which was at night, we were all in bed, but I couldn't sleep. It was very VERY late, and I bundled up at around 1am in the morning, and walked out to "the Alex tree". 
     Even though I knew he wasn't there, I felt this bazaar feeling of how I'd left my baby out in the cold, and that I needed to be with him. I brought a blanket with me, and I knelt down in front of the tree, and I prayed, and cried... and prayed and cried... and prayed and cried... until I felt myself falling alseep outside. So I went back inside and went to bed. NO ONE knew of my visit out to the tree late that night.

The next morning Jess sends me an email and tells me she had another vision of Alex, this time, "you were kneeling next to the Alex tree praying, and he was there, standing beside you" .... 

wow. 

As if there could be more certainty... more precious proof that this little one was with God? I couldn't believe she knew this, something that no one else could have possibly known. 

*** Third Vision ***

We continued to mourn the loss of Alex, but also pray for guidance as to when God wanted us to "try again" to conceive. As we prayed and listened for answers... Jess said to me, "I was praying the Rosary again, and I was meditating on the Nativity, only I had a vision and it wasn't Mary, Joseph and Jesus, it was You and Michael...with a baby." We took this, and other answers to prayer to mean-- December. We tried again and December, and by New Years Day, a pregnancy test confirmed what we already knew... we were also celebrating NEW LIFE!!! :) Our 3rd baby was conceived, and I was nervous, but knew he or she was clearly in God's hands.

*** Fourth Vision *** 

Jess kept this one a secret until we asked... but shortly before we had our 20 week sonogram I told her we were planning to find out the gender of this baby. (We hadn't done so the first time with Josiah.) This time I felt like I just needed something "a little more to hold onto" since I was still nervous about miscarrying again, even though I knew in my heart that wasn't God's plan this time around. Jess said, "I think I already know..."

Then when I called her to tell her the news- "IT'S A GIRL!!!!" :o) She told me "she already knew that because she had a vision ...and it was of me pregnant, with Mary and Alex praying with their hands on my belly...and the baby was a girl."  Ahhh hahaha! Why was I not surprised??? 

This image to this day, still moves me greatly. I can picture it... (and I wish I could paint it or something!) and it makes me so happy to know that Alex was praying for his little sister, and watching over all of us, keeping us in prayer. I'm glad he knows WE ARE HIS and HE IS OURS...even though he is with Jesus, which is of course much better! :)

*** Fifth Vision ***

Recently Josiah received his First Holy Communion... on April 27, 2013. What a blessed and holy day this was!! One of the most precious moments of the day for me came that morning...

Josiah and I had to leave the house early to arrive at the church for portraits and to line up early before Mass with the other kids. I was SO NERVOUS for everything in the day to "go right" and I realized I needed to settle down, pray, and enjoy the moment. I told Josiah, "well, I guess we better pray..." So we prayed our morning offering prayers that we typically pray together each day (in the car) and we also asked intercession of some of the Saints and we included "Alex... pray for us!" 

Probably about 10-15 minutes later when the portraits were done and we were just waiting for everyone else to arrive, I got a text message from Jess. It read,

"Offered my Rosary for Josiah this morning and while praying final joyful mystery I 'saw' Alex with Josiah beside him as he received communion. Thought you'd like to know..."

I could hardly believe it... we'd just prayed and talked to Alex, asked for his prayers this day, and then I was reassured from Heaven that he'd be right beside our family this day, rejoicing in Josiah's First Holy Communion with him. What a blessing and honor!


       I'm sure there have been other visions that Jess has had of Alex, I may not have them all listed here but I'll do my best to keep updating this too, with other awesome times that Alex intercedes on our behalf. Needless to say, we are thankful and honored to have had him in our lives the brief time that we did, and even though we don't understand it this side of heaven, we know God has/had big plans for his life! He is now a heavenly advocate for our family, and will always be a party of us. 

We love you, Alex!